Before you read this please check out this post on recommendations for books/films that will help educate yourself and loved ones on the Black Lives Matter Movement.

By now, most of you have heard of the news circling around Youtuber parents, Myka and James Stauffer who “rehomed” their adopted son from China who also happens to be autistic. Rightfully, people are furious, wanting answers, questioning the Staufffer’s initial intentions. After the back and forth on whether to discuss this story, I thought it was best to bring awareness to the topic, as I’m sure the Stauffer’s are not the first people to do such a thing.

With any think piece, this will inevitably showcase my biases and thoughts regardless. So a few disclaimers before going in:

• I do have an autistic sibling and have been a part of the autism community my whole life
• I am not a parent, so the idea and actual responsibility of raising a child is unknown to me
• The public doesn’t know the full details of this story so do take the information with a pinch of salt. There have been many contradictions and deleted content.

But let’s get into it…

Who are the Stauffers?

Well, joining the ranks of the ACE family and the Ingham family, The Stauffers are Youtubers in the family vlogging genre. The Stauffers’ joint channel have earned a loyal following of 330,000 subscribers**. Myka Stauffer’s personal channel on Mummy morning routines, DIYs and kids updates has 700,000 subscribers**  while her husband James, has his own channel with close to 1 million subscribers. Needless to say, the family has well-established roots in the Youtube community.

The family didn’t really have much press or drama in the Youtube spheres until very recently when their audience noticed, that the child they adopted (making them a family of 4 children in 2017), was absent from their vlogs for some time. Unable to keep going without addressing the questions, the Stauffers finally revealed that after 3 years, they decided to ‘rehome’ their adopted son due to the problems they had been enduring. The reason they gave:

“After multiple evaluations, numerous medical professionals have felt that he needed a different fit and that [with] his medical needs, he needed more.” James Stauffer mentions that information during the international adoption process was muddled with “unknowns and things that (were) not transparent on (the) files” of the child.

It was a tearful ordeal for the two recounting their very drastic decision of having rehomed their adopted son. Myka confessed: “ Do I feel like a failure as a Mom? 500%”

Soon came a flood of anger-filled comments and tweets from viewers and with traditional media coverage, the general public outraged as well.

But let’s take it back to the beginning:

Youtube Adoption Content

While they did have a decent following and views, it was only when The Stauffers decided to take on adoption, adding a fourth child to their 3 biological children at the time, did their views go up significantly. Adoption journeys are valuable content, as a lot of families want to know the best way to go about it.

The adoption process became cornerstone content for the Stauffers as they made videos on it from the very conception of the idea of adoption to the procedure and later the child himself. The Stauffers allegedly produced approximately 25 videos on the adoption process ( including a 13-part series on their adoption updates)  (most of which have been deleted by now.)

On the 9^th of October 2017, Myka put out a video detailing the family’s journey to China to finally officially adopt their 2-year old baby. The video amassed around 5.5 millions hits. One of their most popular videos to date.

Face for Adoption

Soon after, Myka proclaimed herself an advocate for international adoption. She wrote for Parade detailing her adoption process and her child’s progress mentioning his brain condition She wrote that at first the couple weren’t open to a special needs adoption.

“But as we let the idea soak in, God softened our hearts,” she notes. “Before we knew it, we were open to almost every special needs in the book.”

Myka Stauffer for Parade

Consequently, Myka gained many valuable sponsorships during this period. Having affiliations with companies such as Fabletics, Playtex Baby, Chili’s, Danimals, Suave, Mattel/Barbie to name a few. Along with this, the Stauffers’ channel itself grew significantly within October 2017 to October 2018.

Questionable Actions In Hindsight

The Stauffers were the golden family, an inspiration to many as they would document their efforts and their child’s progress. In one of her last Instagram posts featuring the 4-year old, Myka states that there have been ” a lot of melt downs …(and) behaviours…we rarely show the hard stuff …to respect our sons privacy and dignity. I wish autism and adoption trauma had a manual to direct you through it all.”

Questions and speculations swirled about the child’s whereabouts until May 26th 2020. Myka and James posted a video confirming that they rehomed their adopted son.

But here’s where information gets muddled. As previously mentioned, James Stauffer seemed to imply that the adoption agency in China did not give them the full scope of the child’s disabilities and conditions. This would indicate that the Stauffers were not aware and therefore not equipped to handle their child medically and emotionally speaking.

Contradictions in The Stauffers’ Excuse

However interestingly, in another adoption update video in 2017, Myka mentions that while they did know about their child’s conditions, (Brain tumour and brain damage), they still showed his medical files to their own physician. Myka even states that her physician’s optimism on the Stauffers adopting this toddler diminished greatly after reviewing his file. She advised/ discouraged them that it was going to be a lot more complicated than first imagined. Despite this warning by a certified medical professional, Myka said the advise “went in one ear and out the other” as they had already made their decision.

Now some have argued, that the medical file did not detail every part of his condition, which is common in international adoption. However, if all they knew was his brain damage, further research and conversations with professionals (which they did have) would have immediately flagged the potential of new complications. It comes with the territory of having a child with mental and physical disabilities. Additionally in a now deleted video, Myka states that when they had to choose between an LID or Special Focus Child, they chose the special focus category which meant the child would have many complications and special needs unlike LID, where the child has “more minor correctable needs”. It begs the question: why opt for a more complicated condition if you weren’t willing to put in the work?

In the Parade article Myka wrote, that it was only when they got their child did they realise he had more issues than specified: “having a stroke in utero, level 3 autism, and sensory processing disorder.” Myka added that:

“He is a great kid and his condition doesn’t involve that much overall care—all you need is a big heart and practice patience everyday. It’s a different kind of patience,” she wrote.

Myka Stauffer for Parade

The clip above suggests that the Stauffers were aware that “unknown elements” in their son’s condition could crop up in the future. Viewers have argued similarly, with the notion that adopting is the SAME as having your own child- the stakes are the same, the ride or die nature is the same. Just within the adoption process, they purposefully opted adopting a child with developmental issues. And let’s recall what Myka said about being ” open to every special needs in the book” and her adopted son not being returnable or rehomed in other words.

Sponsored Content with Adopted Son

At the time of the family welcoming their new son, viewers commended all their endeavours. However, looking back now, most people can’t help but feel that the content created with this boy, was opportunistic.

The adoption content alone amassed over millions of  views. Night and day compared to their usual daily vlogs that averaged at 200,000 views. Now it isn’t about numbers, it could’ve purely been coincidence. But looking at Myka’s Instagram posts with their adopted baby boy, -many posts with him were ads. Still a coincidence? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a vital part of a Youtuber’s job to create content that their audience wants, and making money off of it-although content with children remains controversial. 

However, what the Stauffers say in their apology video, was that they didn’t mention the rehoming of their child as they wanted to protect his privacy. Many viewers found this contradictory as they didn’t have that same rule when it came to featuring him on their channel before. Where was the privacy, when they had adopted him? Why does it only come after they have rehomed their adopted son? It is a little hard to put aside views/ sponsored content from their pure intentions of caring for this child. Below is an ad Myka did stating that a laundry detergent was vital in her connecting with her adopted son:

Other points that commentary channels and traditional media are scrutinising over are:

• Certain practises the Stauffers used when training their son to stop sucking his thumb- by duct-taping his hands
• Stauffers asked subscribers to help donate to financially support their adoption journey (despite allegedly earning an estimated $40,000 per video)
• A deleted pinned comment below their apology video alluding to their adopted son potentially harming their biological kids in some way.
• The interesting timeline of The Stauffers having another baby, last year amidst coping with their adopted son, only for him to be rehomed shortly after.

My Thoughts…

Raising a child with special needs

Having an autistic brother, I will say raising an autistic child is no joke.  Every child on the spectrum has their own combination of mental and physical health complications. Treatment is necessary but conditions could still worsen. And in that same vein, Autism can’t be cured. It’s a lifelong identity. Therefore it is a lifelong commitment to have a child with autism. The child won’t have the same or similarly paced developmental stages as the average child would (marriage, work-life, independence).

Even with my experience and bias, I would still think twice about adopting a child with a disability. Not because of the “bad” experiences, rather the awareness of my capabilities mentally, physically and financially. It’s just a fact. The motivation of “saving” a child with disabilities isn’t enough. Even with my background (which is little in comparison to experts) there will be new hurdles I’d have to navigate. Therefore someone who has never been exposed to the community in any capacity, would have a lot more to adjust to.

While what the Stauffers have done is questionable, I will agree with the fact that raising an autistic child requires tremendous sacrifice. This child has brain damage, severe autism, and reactive attachment disorder. Handling him and acclimating him to a new environment would have been a major struggle. Not at all quick-rewarding (not that it even should be). Unlike the progress of other adopted children, special needs kids may not share a steady growth in their progress. They may have antisocial tendencies, hostility, and sometimes may never truly connect with their parents.

Watching a few old vlogs, Myka did work at helping him with sign language, he had 30 hours of ABA (Applied Behavioural Analysis) therapy a week. Seemingly, effort did go in. Although with vlogs, we probably only know 10% of the truth. Even so, I will not deny them when they say it was some of the toughest years they’ve had.

BUT and HOWEVER– Research & Self -Reflection:

This is where research, self-reflection and honesty comes into play with any kind of adoption process, not just with disabled children. There is a form selfishness even in the initial act of adopting this little boy. The manner in which they handled vital information about his condition was plain careless. It is almost as though they romanticised the idea of adopting a child with disabilities. This is where some commentary channels’ opinion on ” The Saviour Complex“ is something to really think about. I’m not an expert, but let’s take a look at it.

Saviour Complex

Did they do this as a new way to feel good about themselves? Were they doing this for self-growth? To gain praise, approval and love from many? Did they do it because it’s a good deed, and will therefore make them a better person? Perhaps there’s a need to fix people and situations. “If you feel drained from all the “help” you are offering, it’s not doing you any good,” Sarah Baker, a staff storyteller for Adoption.com notes about the Saviour Complex. It could explain why the Stauffers weren’t able to give this boy his forever home. Despite helping him constantly, it drained them because their efforts did not immediately reward them. Like most children with disabilities there wasn’t a clear upward progression. They couldn’t fulfil the immediate gratification they wanted.

“People with a saviour complex think that they will find love and acceptance through their good deeds.” 

Virginia Spence, Adoption.com

Instead of taking responsibility with the information provided by social workers and medical professionals alike, they went with their “feeling”. Was there a raw, honest conversation between the couple about the potential trials they will face, even the unforeseeable ones? “Open to every special needs in the book”, was an irresponsible and careless statement to make. Even when they had the option of adopting an LID child with more correctable issues. This isn’t to say special needs adoption is impossible, of course it is. But be honest with yourself, only taking on what you are capable of in addition to love and support. It saves the pain of their adopted son being rehomed down the road, due to their incompetence. According to Adoption.org, on special needs adoption, “Do NOT feel guilty for marking “no” where you don’t feel comfortable” when listing your special needs preferences.

Other questions/research to consider with special needs adoption

• Was thorough research done on common medical conditions with special needs kids?
• Did they speak to families with special needs kids?
• Did they consider that adjustment periods could last years? Looking at the “bright side” is naive.
• Were they willing to make themselves uncomfortable? Aware that an abandoned child exposed to abuse or neglect will have layers of pain and distrust they had to endure and unravel slowly?

The decision had to be about the child, not the Stauffers’ expectations. The child did not need “saving”. He needed unconditional love, a real family. Most people had one sentiment as a response to their decision. Adopting him is the same as having a biological baby, you wouldn’t know what to expect. You would still accept any hurdle because the love isn’t conditional to the degree of disabilities the child has. * Oh, you’re expressing more issues than you first promised to have? Welp, we have to give you away then* It implies that they didn’t see the baby boy as their own.

Boiled Down: What our parents taught us about responsibility:

When I wanted a pet at age 11, my mother refused. Instead she asked me a series of questions: Will you-

• Pick up his poop before and after it’s potty-trained?
• Take it for walks cause all dogs need it?
• Wash it every week so it’s not dirty?
• Wake up early in the morning to see to it when it’s a puppy and crying?

Don’t be selfish. You had to think about the dog’s needs first and if you had the capacity to handle it. How it was going to make you feel was secondary.

Did I actually want the dog in both the bad times and the good? I knew I would be too lazy to handle dog poo or walks when I could play with my Gameboy instead. No, adopting a child is nowhere near the same, but the base principle of responsibility and commitment is. The Stauffers did not think of the bad days when their efforts will naturally go unnoticed by the child. Medical bills will rack up, and most trials will end with errors.

Due to the sheer laziness in self-reflection and seeing their research through, they have caused this boy unimaginable psychological pains. The trauma of being rehomed is already hard to comprehend for most children, let alone an adopted son with autism. I almost feel glad, that this boy has left their family. Although the child never having to experience this whole ordeal would’ve been much better. The only glimmer of hope for this 4-year old is the new home he has found according to the Stauffers. “His new mommy has medical professional training and it is a really good fit.” Hopefully this will end up being his true forever home.

Updates:

• Authorities have involved themselves in investigating the Stauffers’ case of rehoming their adopted son. Authorities are not sure if they used an adoption agency or “rehomed” him privately. Investigation on the right safety procedures/ legal requirements for this process is currently ongoing.
• The Stauffers have also lost many big sponsors over the past few days since the story broke out.

**The Stauffers’ joint channel has seemingly been shut down, while most videos mainly featuring adoption content have been removed, along with Instagram posts.